Tis the end.......(of this year that is!) :p

This past week has felt something out of a Christmas carol....I left work late and as my train approached I took one step on and immediately took a step back, revered and legged it to the next carriage.....why? I saw my first crush on the carriage......the next day I left work early (something I hardly ever do).....I get to my train platform and low and behold I see my first crush on the platform, and turn my back to him to avoid ANY sort of eye contact!!


Also I happened to have an encounter a fellow who tried to chat me up, however unfortunately he is not potential (not Muslim), however it did make me think that there are sooo many people out  there in this big city. Past, present and future.. (hence why this week made me think of A Christmas Carol).....Life is far too short to sit and ponder what if, what could have been, what should have been....its about opening your eyes and taking note of everything around you.  If one thing is not working, switch it up and do things differently...Sometimes you have to lay your own foundations for your yellow brick road before you can walk on your path to where you want to get to.

This year I have had some sort of Catfish date (the Guy I met for dinner who said he was a cross breed of Silvester Stallone and Robert Downy junior) and then the builder......Something has to change and I know only I can change it.....

All I know is I am grateful for all I have, my family, my friends and my health.....Enjoy every each moment you have. Men will always be an enigma to me, yet my faith in the one above always makes me see things and realise how lucky I am and blessed.....What will be will be....

Every year I make a New years list/resolution....I am a strong believer in lists, putting what you want in order and ticking them off as you successfully reach each one no matter how big or small from ''new job' to buy them pair of shoes from so and so........I found old note books and well number ''1).'' on my list  had always been ''Find him'' (the one).......well now Imma just gonna change that......I am having one thing on my list...And that is

1). To be....just me....as I am :)

Thank you for following me on here & twitter, without all your support I do not think I could do this and be encouraged to write. I hope you will continue to follow me on this 'quest'!! lol......

Happy Holidays and have a wonderful New year......as Gracie says......La vie En rose....

Halaal chick In The City ;)

Next time I see a guy I like...Imma leave him my shoe!

NEVER FORGET!!!

I love this quote from 0:41 Seconds.....No matter who, what or where you are in life we all have to get up and keep trying ;)



''I know who I am; I don’t forget who I am. And that’s true for all of you – never forget! Everybody’s gonna tell you ‘No, you can’t do it, you can’t do it’ and they try to put their negativity onto you. Now we can’t tell you that, because you won’t believe it. You have to earn it; you have to own it yourself…. You have to own it yourself, Dorothy. ‘Why didn’t you tell me all I had to do was click my heels three times?’ ‘Because god damn it you wouldn’t believe me!’ That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re here, that’s why you’re in this competition. To own it, you own it. So that you process it. So when you go “Oh, they’re saying bad things about me!” you can just own it, own it and you’ll realize, “Oh, that wasn’t me. That was their shit. That had nothing to do with me. That was them.” And then, you own it. And you know every time that happens to you, the time it takes for you to catch yourself gets shorter and shorter. Will it go away? No, that self doubt doesn’t go away. Now we can’t tell you this, you have to walk through the fire. You walk through the fire, and then you own it and you go, ‘Come for me, bitches.''

I have not laughed this much in ages!!!!

One thing I look for....

The One That Got Away.

I think when we look back at the people who we have met and encountered in our lives....I am sure there is someone who you think of who possibly stands out as 'The one that got away'.....

I know when I look back on all the potentials I have met, one certainly stands out....His name is Naseeb.
I met him many years ago (2001) when I went on Holiday and stayed with my cousins.

I remember my cousin who I am close with was with me when I first met Naseeb, her older brother and his wife where also with us. We where at a shopping complex and I clearly remember I was looking at postcards to write to family and friends, and I saw from the corner of my eye this tall, fair skinned, chiselled jaw.... seriously good looking guy stand in the next isle and we caught eyes, and I continued to browse the postcards pretending to choose carefully postcards on the rotating stand.....I noticed he came to the rotating postcard stand also......also pretending to browse postcards and I looked at him, he smiled and said 'Hi, I like you hair, its really nice'......omg, I freaked out!! Did not know what to do, got in a fluster and grabbed my post cards and legged it, this was a weird foreign shopping mall that had them metal high waisted rotating one way barriers and me being me in a fluster I scurried to the barrier only to bounce straight off it as it was the entrance one and went in the other direction, dropping all my postcards and causing a commotion...feeling the heat of embarrassment even more I picked up my postcards avoiding any eye contact and more especially Naseebs!

I eventually ended up at the checkout with the moody check out lady and my older cousin and his wife....as I paid I looked up and saw Naseeb again, this time with his group of friends by the exit of the store signalling me to come over...and then Naseeb did the 'phone to his ear sign with his hands'...I started to sweat at this time as my older cousin is more like a over protective dad then an older cousin!! I dint know what to do.....breaking out into a small sweat I paid and took my receipt.

Walking slowly with my other cousin with her brother and wife ahead of us, I saw Naseeb and his friends, my older cousin said him and his wife where going into another store and I said I just wanted to hang out in the evening fresh air with my cousin giving her the big eyed look, knowing that Naseeb was watching what I was trying to do.....I dint even bring my mobile out on holiday and had left it in the UK...eventually my older cousin and his wife went into a shop and my cousin with me said 'what you going to do you??'  I said 'I don't know!?' 'She then said give him my number'...the next thought I had 'I have no pen!!!' I rummaged in my hand bag and all I could find was my dark brown lip liner (this was the early 2000's we all did the wear concealer colour on your lips with dark brown lip liner flex!!) and I found my receipt from buying the postcards and asked my cousin what her mobile number was and wrote it down......I remember then pretending to walk to a shop window browsing and ''accidentally drop'' the receipt near his friend who was nearby and as I walked away I saw Naseeb's friend pick it up and give it to him.....Mission accomplished!!

That evening he called, he was really sweet and we had a friendly chat..He said he liked my hair and to never cut it...(it was long back then)....I was 20 he was 22 he worked with his uncle as a trader in the markets travelled around selling at various markets.....I remember how he said he does not have a lot, but he had his family, a roof over his head and his motor bike...the way he spoke was as if I was out of his league......but I have never looked down at anyone regardless of status of what they do or don't have.He said he would love to come to the UK...he had an uncle who lived in Walthamstow and that one day he would come to see him and possibly me............I found him endearing .....But I clearly remember talking to my cousin...saying what was the point? I am only here for a few weeks.....and after that there would be thousands of miles between us......also something inside me was holding back....even now I can't explain what or why....but I was cautious and unsure......

A few days later I was with my cousin and in another city just wondering the shops and came across the market....as I was in my own little world as I always am when I'm shopping I heard this van beeping, the horn kept going on and on, and I looked up and there I saw Naseeb waving, when he caught my attention he came over....he looked excited to see me....one thing about Naseeb was the way he looked at me.....in admiration..As we walked through the market we had comfortable pauses and I found myself humming ''Destiny's Child Independent ladies...he was amused and said 'So you reckon yourself as one of these Independent ladies then??'' I just smiled shyly not knowing what the heck to say as always.....He asked me what was I up to that evening I said not sure that my cousins where taking me to Marina complex that was a big part of the city and had a docking bay, shops and restaurants......he told me he would be there, 9pm and to meet him....I was apprehensive but I said ok I will try to.

That evening somehow I managed my cousins to take me there, I told my close cousin I was going to meet Naseeb and she said she would cover me somehow....I remember I got there and I heard a whistle and I looked up and saw Naseeb on the upper level of the complex.....he dashed down as fast as he could and greeted me with a big peck on the cheek...I remember I was taken a back a bit by that......he said I looked nice and then said 'Do you like my jacket I'm wearing? My uncle in the UK sent it to me' I remember it was a cream leather sporty biker jacket' and he did look really good....we walked to a quite part of the marina, looking out the sea...as we walked he cheekily hummed ''Independent ladies''....I looked straight at him......he stood close to me....turned to me, he was tall and leaned towards me looking down at me when he spoke to me.....we spoke for a while..He said to me 'When you go back to the UK will you remember me?'' And me being the young naive me I laughed saying ''What you on about?? Your a friend and yeah I might think of you''.....and I'm not going to lie it felt intense...the way he looked at me....but for some reason something within me was holding back and he knew I was.......there where pauses when we spoke....but they where comfortable pauses...and again he said the same thing....''When you go back to the UK will you remember me?''.. My reaction was just a 'what the hell you on about kinda laugh'.......before I knew anything could be said...or happen....my cousin came out of nowhere breathless and said ''there you are! The others have been asking where you are''  I turned to Naseeb and said I had to go...he asked me where I was staying I said the name of the Street and he said maybe see you around......

He called me and we spoke I was being friendly and not flirty in anyway I could not figure out why, there was this gorgeous guy who was clearly interested in me yet for some reason I just could not let go and was holding back so much.

A few days later it was raining and my cousin and I where just chilling at her place and could not be bothered going out that day....Her phone rang and she past it to me....it was Naseeb.....he was outside!! He came in the rain on his motorbike to come see me......I thought to myself how would this work?.....and I told him how I thought he was lovely but with the distance how would it be possible.....I felt bad but at the same time I was afraid to let my emotions go....He said he appreciated my honesty and that he did like me but he understood and he should have called before being spontaneous and surprising me....

Two weeks later it was my last night on Holiday, and my cousins took me out to eat at a restaurant at the same complex where I first met Naseeb...as I was getting up from the table....I saw him.....He looked so good.....and my cousin and I went to see him as he smiled at me.....he looked at me right at me....but was speaking to my cousin.....he said 'Has she been ok? And had a good holiday?....make sure you look after her and that she eats'' The whole time he looked at me...intensely yet with admiration....to this day I don't think a guy has looked at like that. I told him I was leaving the next day and that it was nice meeting him and that when he comes to the UK to let me know......and he kissed me on each cheek and we said bye.

I came back to the UK in September.....I got on with things....and a few times Naseeb came into my thoughts....but I carried on with studies and my weekend job......January came....it was the 2nd....I remember lounging at home in my pj's in the afternoon....and my phone went off......it was my cousin from abroad......non of my cousins called as it was so pricey and I picked up with joy and surprise in regards to getting the call.....my cousin then said to me 'It's Naseeb....he was on his motorbike on new years day and hit by a drunken driver....he died'. I froze......I din't know what to say....The first thing that came into my head was his sentence ''When you get back to the UK will you ever remember me''......

The irony is I do remember him...in my Dua's (prayers) it is a strange feeling to explain....It opened my eyes to so many things in so many ways.....I learnt to let go.....to live life everyday, keep well with all around me and most importantly make the most of everything I had around me, be more thankful and appreciate everyone I have in my life.  It has also taught me not to give up and keep going, getting up and try again. To carry on and keep my search going on.....I do think about 'What if'....but also I will never be able to explain why I held back.....Only the one above knows why.....and that there are reasons I will never know.......